


The journey to finding yourself

by DODO24



Category: Women's Soccer RPF
Genre: Angst, Coming Out, F/F, Fluff and Angst, Gender Confusion, Gender Dysphoria
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-22
Updated: 2021-01-06
Packaged: 2021-03-02 01:55:41
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 14,119
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23787439
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DODO24/pseuds/DODO24
Summary: Tobin struggles finding herself, Christen is there to help her through it all.
Relationships: Tobin Heath/Christen Press
Comments: 130
Kudos: 518





	1. What's stopping you from being just Tobin?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tobin is having a rough day, Christen helps her feel comfortable with who she is.  
> Involves a description of Tobin's life from childhood to now and the measures she took to become Tobin

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I never really intended to publish this story, a friend of mine asked me to write it for her. I only uploaded it because peeps on Tumblr asked me too. Keep in mind that I might put this on private if I get too much shitty comments for it (which seems to be a theme recently).
> 
> Obviously i have no clue how or what Tobin feels, she is just the person i used in this, it's called RPF for a reason.
> 
> If you don't like this subject please don't read.
> 
> If you're afraid i didn't handle this story with care, please know that i know what i'm talking about and i'm not just writing this for the heck of it (more on that in the end notes).

Over the years she got used to changing in front of teammates, even showering in front of them. Yet she still dreaded the locker room, her own Thorns locker room in particular to be exact. She could see the big mirrors as soon as she walked in, some of the girls had asked for them, Tobin for the life of her didn’t understand why. 

They were visible from the showers and walking past them was a necessity to reach your locker and therefor your clothing. Every day she tried to avoid looking in the mirror and yet something always forced her to look. 

She had days on which she was fine, she could even be happy with how she looked. She had days on which she wasn’t exactly happy, but she could deal with it and then she had days on which looking in the mirror just made her see all the parts of her body that were wrong. Those were the days on which she would wrap herself in an oversized hoodie, happy to cover any unwanted curves. 

Some days she didn’t have a choice. You can’t go meet the president of your club in your oversized hoodie, even jeans were frowned upon. Tobin had laid out her clothing the day before, she wasn’t happy with her choices but changing it now wasn’t going to make it better. She couldn’t wear what she wanted to wear anyway. 

She had pulled the towel tighter around her body when she heard Christen come in. She felt ridiculous hiding like that from her girlfriend, but she didn’t feel at home in her body and she wasn’t about to go show that off. 

Christen noticed like she always did.

“Rough day?”

Christen had situated herself against the headboard of the bed, Tobin could feel her looking at her. 

“I don’t know what I am right now.” 

The words surprised her, she didn’t expect to be able to speak, let alone speak words that made sense. She didn’t dare look at Christen, it wasn’t a secret, Christen was very aware of the struggles she had. Verbally acknowledging that she wasn’t feeling happy wasn’t something Tobin did though, not on days like these. She was used to keeping it to herself, often times ignoring the fact that looking in the mirror made her skin crawl. 

“What’s stopping you from being just Tobin?” 

Tobin didn’t have an answer for her, she didn’t know how to be “just Tobin” not on days like these. Not when she knew that removing the towel and putting on the bra she laid out was going to make her hate everything she was doing. 

She hated herself for crying, she hated herself for pulling the towel so tight to her chest that it hurt. She didn’t fight when Christen pulled her with her to lay down. She even let her loosen up the towel, so it wasn’t digging into her chest anymore. 

She hid herself away by burying her head in Christen’s stomach, it was her safe space. Christen’s soft hands were stroking through her hair, it was the only thing Christen could do to help her calm down. It didn’t lessen the hate and resentment she felt but it did calm her down enough to be somewhat rational. 

Her family always described her as a tomboy, it was a label that Tobin accepted for the most part. All throughout her childhood she felt okay, she hated the dresses she was forced into for church but other than that she was free to be herself. Her mom probably didn’t like it that she would switch the dress for shorts or sweatpants as soon as she got home but she never stopped her from doing it. Her parents allowed her to play soccer, climb trees and play rough with her brother, she was grateful to have gotten that freedom.

Puberty was terrible, there was no other word for it. She managed to hide her breasts well enough for a good number of years. She wasn’t questioned often for her choice to wear sports bras, she just said it was what she was used too. They were tighter than they needed to be but that was the point, they flattened her out well. 

The day she got her first period she cried for hours. She managed to hide it from her mom for a couple of months, effectively postponing the talk she knew she was going to get. She had seen it with her sisters, the whole “you’re a woman now” speech was one her mom had prepared for them all. She got it a couple weeks before her 14th birthday, she counted how many times her mom called her a woman, too many times. 

She wanted to scream and yell that her mom was wrong, that she was wrong for some reason, that she was made to be faulty. She wasn’t a woman and she didn’t want to be, she wanted someone to take it all away and make her into something that felt right. 

The only thing in the next few years that distracted her was soccer. Sometimes she felt like the only thing she had control over was the ball she could effortlessly juggle 500 times or curl into the top corner of the goal. 

The soccer field was her safe haven, no one would judge her there. Right there was where she could be Tobin and only Tobin. She loved the fact that soccer outfits were unisex, she cringed visibly anytime someone would bring up that FIFA at some point wanted to get girls to wear skirts like they did in field hockey. She loved her shorts and her shirt, she even loved her long socks, even if they never made it past her calves. 

Things took a turn for the worse when she injured her back during her freshman year of high school. She couldn’t play or train meaning that her body softened. Her trainers assured her she would get it back once she was injury free again but that wasn’t why she hated it. Her once muscular and lanky body became softer and her curves started to show. She hated it, she hated that the jeans she bought in the men’s section didn’t fit around her hips anymore. She hated that no matter how tight her sports bra was she could still see the swell of her breasts. 

She stopped eating soon after it became clear to her that she couldn’t just ignore it and her injury wasn’t going to heal anytime soon. She was healthy and ate like an athlete but not anymore. She limited herself to 600 calories a day, slowly the curves disappeared, what remained she could hide under clothing. 

After a while even her period stopped, she ignored the little voice in her head that said it wasn’t healthy. Her period was gone, she wasn’t a woman anymore.

All that was forcibly stopped after a doctor’s visit due to her back injury that wasn’t healing. One physical was all it took for her mom to start watching her like a hawk and force her to eat. She still couldn’t believe they bought her excuse about being afraid to gain too much weight because she couldn’t train. 

Thankfully her injury healed before the curves she hated made a comeback, she trained like crazy to regain the muscles she had lost. Her mom didn’t mind the training as long as she promised to eat. Her period came back, she hated it but it was something she couldn’t make go away, not until she was 18 and started using birth control pills.

Things got better in college. She was surrounded by all kinds of women and surprisingly she found people who understood her. They weren’t like her, but they listened and didn’t judge. Ashlyn was the first who called her out, they were barely two weeks into pre-season, and they were roommates. Ashlyn had noticed how she refused to let the other girls dress her up or do her make up but that wasn’t what worried her. She got worried when she noticed that Tobin didn’t look in the mirror and she would turn her head away whenever they walked past glass windows that showed her reflection.

It took getting her drunk while she herself sipped what she pretended to be vodka for Tobin to open up. She didn’t explain anything, but Tobin kept on repeating that she hated the dresses they were supposed to wear the next day. They were for women she kept saying and she wasn’t a woman so she shouldn’t wear the dress. 

The next day Ashlyn faked sick to get both of them out of their meeting with the dean that required them to wear the dresses. Tobin spend the day crying both in relief that Ashlyn seemed to not be completely freaked out and the horror that someone figured out her secret. 

Trust started to form when Ashlyn got their coach to reevaluate the dress code for events like meeting the dean. She pretended it was for herself, said she didn’t feel comfortable wearing the required dresses. Their coach didn’t hesitate to change the rule to allow the girls to wear other clothing as well, Tobin cried when it was announced. 

Throughout college Ashlyn was her rock, she taught her that what she was feeling was valid and she didn’t need to hide that. Ashlyn also taught her to understand what parts of her body she disliked and why. Ashlyn helped her realize that it wasn’t always as bad and that there were parts of her body that she didn’t wish were different. 

She didn’t like her breasts, but she did like her shoulders and legs. She made sure to keep them strong and tight. 

Ashlyn asked her questions, not because she wanted to know the answers but because she knew Tobin was too afraid to ask them herself. The most impactful question of all was what she wanted to do. She knew how she felt but the options she researched were terrifying. The idea of having surgery or taking hormones wasn’t exactly appealing and it seemed too extreme. 

She didn’t like her body most of the time, but the alternative didn’t feel much better. She might not feel like a woman, but she wasn’t a man either, that was one thing she was very sure off. 

The question she struggled with most was what she wanted to be called. She like her name, it was a nice neutral name that suited her, this wasn’t a problem. The one thing she couldn’t figure out for the longest time was which pronouns she preferred. Ashlyn went through a period where she would change them up just to have Tobin experience them all and see what felt best. It cheered Tobin up, even on her darker days. Hearing Ashlyn cycle through the possibilities and asking her what made her feel better made her feel validated. 

She eventually settled on she/her which she actually surprised herself with. She figured it out slowly, he/him didn’t feel right, she wasn’t a man and even on her roughest days being called “he” didn’t feel right. She didn’t necessarily dislike they/them, but it didn’t feel better or worse than she/her. In the end practicality won, she didn’t mind so why make it harder on herself?

Ashlyn reminded her that she could always change if she wanted too, another reason for her to not make a big deal about it when she didn’t feel like it had to be. 

She experimented during her college years and after, one of the questions she wanted to answer was how she would be able to have a relationship. Surprisingly most of the girls she dated never realized, they just accepted the fact that she would take the lead during sex and that her clothes often times didn’t even come off. 

It became harder when she dated Shirley who was way more than just a casual fuck. She found herself falling in love, but she didn’t tell, she was scared Shirley would freak and kick her out. Looking back, she knew she was in denial, Shirley had known but just didn’t comment on it. Shirley would be the one telling her to keep her shirt on when they were making out and she was the one to suggest having sex in the dark. 

Eventually things ran its course and they broke up but not because Shirley wasn’t supportive in every way, looking back Tobin couldn’t help but love her ex-girlfriend for that.

Christen was different, from the first time they shared a room at camp she would ask if she could do anything to make her comfortable. Back then they were just teammates, she hadn’t known how to answer the question but the fact that Christen asked made her feel accepted. 

Nowadays Christen hardly ever had to ask, she could read her like a book. She knew what kind of day she was having without even asking. Christen never pressured her to talk or explain but she would still ask what she could do to help. 

“Can you take this off baby?” 

Christen’s voice was soft and gentle, she could see how the towel was digging into Tobin’s chest again. 

When Tobin nodded but didn’t move to actually remove it, Christen reached for it. To her surprise Tobin let her pull the towel down and throw it on the ground. It wasn’t often that Tobin was completely naked in front of her, especially when she was having a rough day. 

“I know you don’t feel happy right now Tobin,” Christen had pulled her up so she was practically laying on her chest before she continued speaking. “I’m not going to pretend to know how you feel but you need to know that I love you, all of you.” 

Tobin felt tears prickling in her eyes again when she heard Christen’s soft and gentle voice. 

“I will always support you, whatever you want to wear, however you want to look and whatever you want to be called, I will love you.” 

Christen lifted Tobin’s head by grabbing onto her chin, “can you trust me to love you?” 

Tobin nodded her head slightly, she trusted Christen. It felt foreign to let someone in so close, even closer than Ashlyn. She felt vulnerable but she could only see love in the beautiful green eyes that were staring into her own Brown ones. 

On days like these Christen would hold her, she would reassure her. She didn’t pretend to understand because she couldn’t, but she provided the comfort she needed. 

“I texted Lindsey, she is willing to go meet with the president if you’re not up to it.” Tobin subconsciously cuddled closer to her, “you didn’t have to do that.” 

“I know I didn’t, but I wanted too. You have the right to feel comfortable and if that means staying home and cuddling with me, that is what you’re getting.” 

Tobin felt herself blush, “I would like that.” 

Christen grabbed her phone to text Lindsey without commenting further. Once she put it down she bend forward to give Tobin a kiss, “I love you.” 

Tobin smiled at her, but it soon turned into a frown when she realized she was naked, somehow she had managed to not realize that while they had been talking. Christen bend forward to give her another kiss. 

“Want me to get you some clothes?” 

Tobin nodded at her with a shy smile, she refused the urge to cover herself with a blanket when Christen walked to their closet. When she turned around Tobin could see the surprise in her face when she realized Tobin hadn’t covered up like she usually would. 

She still turned around once she had handed the clothing to her, but she did so with a small smile. 

Tobin looked at the binder Christen had handed her, she regularly used it on days like these. It didn’t hurt but it wasn’t comfortable either, it did its job of flattening her chest though. She turned it around in her hands for a couple minutes before she dumped it on the bed and just pulled her favorite hoodie over her head. 

She trusted Christen to help her feel comfortable enough that she didn’t need it. 

Once she was dressed she pulled Christen towards her by her hips. When she landed on her lap she hugged her close to her chest.

“I love you, thank you for trying to understand me.”

“Always Tobin.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Stay with me during this end note, it’s going to be long because it needs to be.
> 
> Firstly, a bit about me. I have worked with people dealing with gender dysphoria for 6 years now, from age 8 to 70. I know what I’m talking about, most of the situations I described are real, they happened to people I know, to friends and to people I have helped. So, yes this is fiction but it’s not just a product of my imagination. I myself have struggled with gender dysphoria and confusion since I was very young so again I know how these feelings can manifest itself and how they are different for everyone.
> 
> Secondly, this is a deeply personal fic for me so please don’t attack me for it. I feel vulnerable sharing this, but I wanted to make sure you knew I wouldn’t treat this subject lightly. If you don’t agree with how I have written it or how I have described something I’m very willing to discuss this with you but please be respectful. Like I already mentioned, this subject is tough, it’s not one size fits all. Everyone is going to experience different emotions and even different levels of dysphoria. Again, if you want to talk about that or want me to clear something up you can always ask, and I will try and explain my reasoning.
> 
> Thirdly, you may notice that Tobin’s dysphoria increased during puberty and slightly decreased later on, this is very normal. For some people it stays the same, other people experience it getting (slightly) better or worse when they get older. Again, this is different for every person.
> 
> Fourthly (is that a word?), you may have noticed that I didn’t use labels. You might find that weird or annoying, but I don’t feel like I should need to label it. It’s about the feelings and the struggle that comes along with any kind of gender confusion or dysphoria, not about a diagnoses or label. If you want too, obviously you can decide on your own label, just don’t expect me to comment on it.
> 
> Lastly, if you are interested in me continuing this subject I’m willing to put this into a series and delve a little deeper into certain moments/time periods. Let me know if you’re interested in that and if so what you would like me to write about.
> 
> If you want to ask me a question or just have a chat you can find me on Tumblr, hardtchill.tumblr.com


	2. Can I still call you Harry?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is Tobin and how her friendship with Alex and Allie never was what it was supposed to be. The time when she tried to be the perfect American girl for everyone's benefit but her own. Starts during the 2013-2015 years but ends in present time and a conversation that should have happened years ago. 
> 
> Christen is there to help guide Tobin through it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, i did it, don't ask me how but i did. 
> 
> Thank you cozy_downpour for the idea and thank you gwatson230496 and soledaddl for your help finding the right way to write this ❤.

Do you know the saying, “introverts don’t find friends they get adopted by extroverts?”

That is how Tobin would describe her friendship with Alex and Allie. She still didn’t know how two people who were so different from her in every way possible, became her friends. 

It was a time in which she explored her feminine side, she allowed Allie and Alex to dress her and do her make-up. She allowed them to take her out and find her some girl to go home with.

Looking back, she knew she was trying to be ‘normal’ Allie and Alex to her were the perfect American girls and she wanted that. She didn’t want to make her mom frown whenever she showed up in sneakers and a hoodie. She didn’t want her dad to be ashamed of her and she didn’t want her siblings to think she was a freak. 

Her binder didn’t come out much when she spent time with them, she let Alex take her shopping for nice bras. Allie would go and pick out some nice dresses she could wear to church.

She felt uncomfortable but it was worth it to see her mom smile whenever she came home in something Allie dressed her in. It was worth it to feel her dad hug her close and call her his little Toby. She knew she could be like her friends and like her sisters, she could suck it up for their sake. 

The only break she got was when she was in Paris. She didn’t feel the pressures of having to fit in, over here fashion was weird regardless. No one really seemed to care and best of all, people didn’t know her. No one took videos of her or came up to her for an autograph, the only time her friends and family really saw her was during games. The grainy streams didn’t show the binder she wore, she looked like any other player. During face-time sessions she would focus on her face, she didn’t show them what she was wearing.

Alex and Allie would ask her about all the fancy boutiques, and she would pretend to have gone to them. She pretended to have bought a nice purse to go with her gala dress she had told them about buying. She wore a suit to the gala, the purse she had supposedly bought was actually her asking the tailor to add pockets to the pants of the suit. 

Almost on autopilot she assembled an outfit for their annual friendship date. They did it every year, just to celebrate their friendship. Tobin disconnected more and more over the years while Allie and Alex stayed great friends. Tobin told herself it was because they grew apart, she played in Portland, Alex in Orlando, it was a lot of distance.

Deep inside she knew that wasn’t the reason. She always felt like she had something to prove when she was with her two friends. They never quite understood why Tobin didn’t like the things they did, they would drag her from store to store and laugh at Tobin’s hatred for the things they showed her. 

They would always tell her how good a dress they saw would look on her or how some eyeliner would make her eyes pop. 

In truth, that’s why they grew apart, she was tired of pretending those comments didn’t hurt her. Even if they never intended to hurt her, they made her feel like she never looked good when she looked like she wanted too. Allie would give her tips on how to hide her big calves, even though she liked them. Alex would advise her on push-up bras even though she was working on finding the best binder for herself.

“Is that what you want to wear babe?” 

Christen’s question shook Tobin from her thoughts. She was holding one of Christen’s black dresses and one of her fancy bras. Allie and Alex would squeal over this outfit, she knew that. They would hug her and say she looked so pretty, just thinking about it made her skin crawl. 

“What do you mean?”

Tobin knew she could suck it up, it would make them happy and it would be worth it to not get teased like she usually would. 

Christen had pulled her backwards from the closet and into her lap while they sat on the bed.

“Is that really the outfit you want to wear, and you will feel your best in?” 

Tobin was glad Christen couldn’t see her face right now. She kept herself from balling up the clothing in her hands, remembering that they weren’t actually hers. 

“I will be okay.”

Tobin moved to stand up thinking it would be better to just get it over with and get dressed but Christen pulled her back.

“I don’t want you to be okay. I want you to be great and awesome and comfortable, will you feel like that in these clothes?” 

Tobin didn’t answer, not even when Christen hugged her close to her chest and kissed her cheek. 

“Baby, you know that I don’t care, I will help you pick out a bitching pair of heels to go with it if you want too. I just feel like you’re not putting yourself first.” 

Tobin let out a deep sigh before she turned around on Christen’s lap and buried her face into Christen’s neck. 

“I just don’t want them to tease me like they do. If I wear this they will say I look good and leave me alone.” 

Christen rubbed Tobin’s back, she hated that Tobin felt the way she did, but she couldn’t help but think that she had made so much progress lately.

“Do you think they will still do that if you ask them not to?” 

Again, Tobin stayed silent. The answer was clear to them both, without Tobin having to say it, they wouldn’t. She loved her friends, she really did. She knew they loved her as well, they would never intentionally hurt her but how on earth do you explain this? How do you tell your friends that you have been distancing yourself from them because you cringe every time they give you good natured advice? How do you tell them that during all those years of friendship she didn’t trust them enough to tell them something so important about yourself?

Christen stayed silent while Tobin was thinking, she wanted Tobin to figure this out on her own. 

“Do you think I should tell them?” 

Tobin’s voice sounded muffled because her face was still buried in Christen’s neck. 

“I think you should do what makes you feel good. If you want to tell them that’s great but if you don’t, that’s okay too. I will support you either way and if they are mean, I will kick their asses.” 

Christen smiled when she felt Tobin’s body shake with laughter. 

“You can’t beat Alex In a fight; she is a dirty fighter.” 

Christen pulled away a bit from the hug so she could see Tobin’s face, when she saw the familiar pout she gave her a quick kiss. 

“I want you to not think about Allie and Alex for a moment and show me what you want to wear today. Just imagine we’re going to dinner, what would you wear?” 

Tobin gave her a kiss of her own before getting off her lap and walking towards their shared closet. She grabbed a couple things, smiling while she did.

When she turned around she showed Christen the new black button up shirt she had gotten, the dark skinny jeans that hugged her muscles really well and her favorite pair of Jordan. 

“Those look awesome on you babe; do you want to wear those? Or do you want to wear the dress?” 

There was no judgement in Christen’s voice, Tobin knew she would accept whatever she chose. She turned the shirt around in her hands, she loved the feel of the soft material and the rough buttons. She didn’t have to say anything, when she looked at Christen she already knew the answer.  
Christen helped her button up the shirt and look for the perfect belt to wear with her jeans. It’s not that she couldn’t do these things for herself, but she loved it when Christen cared enough to deep dive into her mind. 

Tobin went to meet up with her friends with a plan in her head. They had talked before she left and Christen had helped her clarify what she wanted to say. She had a tiny piece of paper in her shirt pocket with a list of things she wanted to explain. She laughed at herself when she realized how much Christen had rubbed off on her, Tobin Heath carrying around a list? The world had gone mad.

When she arrived Allie and Alex were already waiting for her in front of the restaurant. 

They hugged and kissed when they saw each other, they laughed all throughout dinner. Allie told them all about Bati, Alex explained that she had finally nailed that cross pass she had been working on (“oh yeah, Serv is good too). When the inevitable moment arrived for Tobin to be questioned by her friends she started to sweat and fidget. Suddenly all she could think about was Alex yelling at her for being a freak and Allie storming out of the restaurant refusing to talk to her. 

She chickened out. 

She ended the night in Christen’s warm embrace, crying because she felt weak and stupid for letting the opportunity pass. Christen didn’t say much, she knew this was a possibility when Tobin walked out of the door tonight. She held her as close as she could and stroked her fingers through Tobin’s hair, hoping that the gesture would make Tobin fall asleep. 

It was only a couple days later when Allie and Alex sent her a text to meet up again. They would only be in town one more day and wanted to spend it with her, taking advantage of being all in one place for once. 

She wasn’t having a good day; she would have canceled but she knew Allie and Alex would just come to her and camp out on her couch all day keeping her company. So, there she was, putting her usual ‘rough day’ outfit on. It really just meant she was wearing loose fit jeans and a baggy hoodie, something to hide in. 

She could have known what would happen and in truth she would have been better off on her couch. 

As soon as her friends saw her they gave her a disapproving look and dragged her with them. 

“You need new clothes Harry.” 

That’s how she ended up in a tight and warm fitting room with Allie and Alex running around the store to find her clothes. She hated everything they brought her. Even on a good day she would have rather ran around naked than wear the mini skirt Allie gave her. The jumpsuit probably came closest to something she would wear but it was pink and frilly, she threw it back at Alex as soon as she could.  


The one thing she hated most about being a soccer player was that her friends didn’t have boundaries and expected her to not have them either. She changed as quickly as possible listening carefully for her friends’ footsteps coming closer. At random moments a head would peak through the curtain, having no regard for her privacy. 

The inevitable happened when she was trying on yet another shirt but didn’t hear Allie approach. She had just pulled the previous atrocity over her head when Allie shoved her head between the curtain and immediately laughed at her. 

“What is that Harry? Do we need to take you shopping for bras now?” 

Tobin crossed her arms over her binder as a reflex, but it was already too late. Allie had seen and the commotion had encouraged Alex to come and see as well. Tobin saw the look of recognition in Alex’s eyes before she turned away from them. She was trying to keep herself from freaking out in the middle of a busy store, but this was proving to be difficult. 

She could hear Alex sent Allie away and feel her move a hoodie over her head. She didn’t really take note of how Alex grabbed their stuff and dragged her out of the store. Allie was nowhere to be found but Alex didn’t seem worried about that, she was completely focused on the distraught figure she was dragging with her. 

Tobin only realized where they were when she felt the cool sand under her fingertips. Alex was standing next to her, keeping a hand on her shoulder but staying uncharacteristically silent. 

She didn’t hear Allie approach; she was also uncharacteristically silent. Apparently Alex had sent Allie away to get them coffee, or so Tobin guessed when she got a cup shoved into her hands. 

“Are you with us Tobin?” 

These were the first spoken words they had uttered to her since they left the store, Tobin almost smiled realizing that Alex probably had never gone that long without speaking. 

“Tobin?”

She should probably answer she thought but she was too afraid to look up at the two women staring at her. 

“I’m here.” 

Tobin’s mind was going a million miles per hour trying to find a believable excuse for what they had seen. She thought about saying there was a mishap with the laundry, and this was the only thing she had left but that didn’t seem plausible. Christen did the laundry and she would never have that happen. She toyed with the idea of saying it was a new design of some sort but that was even more unbelievable than the laundry story. 

Before she could think of any more excuses Alex broke the silence.

“Have I ever told you how in college one of my teammates was Transgender?” 

Tobin felt herself frown, she didn’t know if Alex was making this up or if it was true, she did note that Alex didn’t sound angry.

“He played on the team during his freshman year, then he suddenly quit and wouldn’t tell us why. We thought he transferred when we didn’t see him the next year. Turns out he was with us all along but transitioned during the summer between our 1st and 2nd year. Came back with a new name and he looked completely different, we only figured it out when he showed up at a soccer team reunion a couple years ago. 

“I’m not Transgender.” 

“Okay.”

Tobin still refused to look up, she kept her hands busy by digging out a shell she could feel was buried beneath her hand. 

“I don’t know what I am.” 

Not for the first time Tobin surprised herself by allowing her mouth to speak while her body was on lockdown. 

“Do you want to know?” 

Tobin shrugged her shoulders, “I want to feel like me, but I don’t need a name for it.” 

“What’s stopping you from feeling like yourself?” 

Alex was very aware that during the past couple hours they didn’t exactly help Tobin feel like herself and she hoped Tobin would know it was okay for her to tell them that. 

“I guess it’s the pressure of needing to be normal. I don’t want you guys to tease me because it hurts even if you don’t mean too. I never feel like I can be me because I’m so busy trying to figure out what people expect from me. I wanted to tell you guys, I really did but I didn’t know how, and I was afraid you would hate me. 

Before she could say more Alex hugged her tight, “I’m sorry for not realizing sooner and just for the record, I could never hate you Toby.”

Allie had been quiet through it all, maybe she was lost for words or maybe she was thinking about the right ones. When she finally opened her mouth to speak Tobin could only feel love for her friend.

“Can I still call you Harry?” Allie’s voice was soft, so different from her usual enthusiastic and bright voice. 

Tobin couldn’t help but chuckle at the genuine worry in Allie’s voice. 

“I will be your Harry as long as you’re mine.” 

Allie tackled her in a hug. 

“I’m sorry for not seeing I was making you uncomfortable Harry; I could never hate you.” 

Tobin felt so many things at once when Allie said those words. 

She felt relieved because her friends didn’t hate her.  
She felt stupid for not trusting her friends.  
She felt happiness for feeling closer to her friends than she ever had.  
She felt acceptance thanks to the hugs that were so tight they threatened to cut off her circulation. 

Christen found them like that after rushing over when Allie had called her, they were huddled together with Tobin in the middle. Both Allie and Alex had an arm wrapped around her back and had rested their heads on her shoulder. 

She didn’t feel the need to interfere, she took a picture of the three friends who looked at peace with each other for maybe the first time ever. 

It became one of Tobin’s favorite pictures.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I messed around a bit with the format for this one but decided on this. I wanted to show the struggle but also the ‘it gets better’ part. Tobin obviously struggled in the past and still does because she hasn’t let go off pleasing everyone but herself. That’s why Christen is very present, she reminds Tobin that the only one she truly has to please is herself. 
> 
> I found this hard to get right. Allie and Alex aren't bad people for not knowing or recognizing what is going on but at the same time Tobin suffered. In a perfect world people would know, they would recognize and they would help but we don't live in a perfect world. Without knowing you do, you can really hurt your friends and loved ones, let's all try to minimize that by talking about it and teaching people what to look for. There are a lot of people like Alex and Allie, they aren't hateful or mean to hurt. They are even understanding and loving but they simply have no idea what is going on because they have never been taught how to see the signs.
> 
> I loved all the comments and messages you sent me, i'm pretty sure i have responded to everyone (if i didn't i'm sorry, it was a lot). Please keep them coming, this is a deeply personal subject and it makes me really nervous to write about even if i know it's really important. 
> 
> If you want to ask me a question or just have a chat you can find me on Tumblr, hardtchill.tumblr.com


	3. It is easier to pretend

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tobin and Christen struggle with communication surrounding their sexual lives. All the emotions and issues come out to play late at night after Christen confronts Tobin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soo, this one came weirdly fast but still hard to write.
> 
> This takes place a bit earlier in the timeline, Chris and Tobin haven't been together for that long so don't expect Christen to be completely in tune with Tobin yet or for her to understand everything.
> 
> Also, massive thanks to gwatson230496 and soledaddl for reading and helping me along to finish this chapter ❤.
> 
> Trigger warning for retelling of sexual abuse, I put a trigger warning in the text before it starts so you can prepare yourself.

She could pretend she was enjoying something when she wasn’t. She could pretend she was dominant because that was just how she was. She could pretend for Christen’s sake.

Date nights were fun, Christen was amazing and she was in love. As always after a nice dinner and the two glasses of wine they were allowed, they stumbled into their shared apartment with giggles filling the air. The kisses they shared were full of passion and promise.

This was when Tobin’s game started, this was when she pretended to be okay.

She took charge like she always did; she gave Christen pleasure just like she always did, In the hope she would fall asleep. Sometimes she did and other times she wanted to return the favor.

Some nights Tobin would love this, would enjoy it so much she would ask for more. Other nights she wouldn’t, nights like these when letting go and just enjoying the pleasure she was given, was impossible. These were the nights on which she tried extra hard, she tried to block out all the feelings she had even when she knew she should tell Christen to stop.

She hardly ever did; she knew she should, but the little voice in her head told her to stay silent. Just close your eyes and get it over with.

She was good at pretending; she was so good that Christen didn’t notice it when she faked her release because she wanted it to stop. On nights like these when her body didn’t feel like her own, release wasn’t possible. She was too tense and too overcome with emotions and stress to let her body enjoy it.

She hated herself for calculating the minutes and thinking about how long she would usually take, so she could make it realistic.

She was so good at pretending that she didn’t even notice Christen had stopped, she only noticed when she heard Christen’s voice cut through the silence.

“Why didn’t you tell me to stop?”

Tobin opened her mouth to speak but she didn’t know what to say. She was good at pretending, Christen never found out, until she did.

“If you don’t want to do something I won’t force you, but I can’t know that, you need to tell me!”

Tobin knew she was right, they had talked about it so many times, she had agreed so many times.

“Tobin, talk to me!”

What was she supposed to say? That she was sorry? That she faked it so many times because that was less painful than having to stop her? That she was a freak for not being able to be normal long enough for them to have sex?

“I can’t do this Tobin. I can’t do this if you don’t talk to me!”

Christen reached over to turn the lamp next to the bed on, Tobin scrambled to get underneath the covers. If Christen hadn’t known what was going on, she knew now. When she was happy she didn’t mind being seen by Christen.

Tonight, she had made sure to turn the light off when she came into the room, Christen hadn’t even noticed it, until now.

Christen didn’t say anything when she stood up or when she put on a shirt. When she reached the door of their bedroom she turned around to look at a balled-up Tobin. She looked like she wanted to say something, but she didn’t, she turned around again and left the room.

Tobin let herself cry, she let herself return to all those nights when saying no wasn’t possible. She hated herself for taking that with her and for not trusting Christen enough to respect her. She wanted to tell her, she wanted Christen to know why she did what she did, or rather what she didn’t do.

Christen came back an hour later, she always came back, it was the only reason why Tobin never followed her or told her to stay.

Tobin subconsciously pressed her knees together when Christen climbed into the bed, it was a reflex she taught herself a long time ago.

“I’m sorry for leaving.”

Tobin let out a deep shaky breath before grabbing Christen’s hand, she didn’t blame her, and her subtle touch made that clear to her.

“I need to tell you; I need you to know why.”

“Can I hold you first?”

Tobin hesitated for a second before she gave in, she needed this. She scooted towards Christen and let her wrap her up in her arms.

She took multiple breaths before she started.

**Trigger warning**

“You remember what I told you about Laura?”

Christen nodded before she realized Tobin wouldn’t be able to see. “Yes, you told me she was abusive, controlling and she refused to accept you.”

That was all she had told Christen; it was around the time they had their first conversation about her needing to be able to tell Christen to stop. In truth Christen didn’t even ask for a reason but Tobin had wanted her to know. It was implied that Laura’s abusive behavior extended to their sex life but Christen hadn’t asked how and Tobin hadn’t been ready to share.

“Laura never accepted it when I told her to stop. She would tell me I didn’t know what I wanted; it was a dig at me for not feeling like a woman. She hated it when I used to say that or when I didn’t agree with her when she said I was a woman. She promised me it would feel good and when I told her it didn’t she would say that it was my fault for being a freak. That every other normal girl would like this and that I was defective.”

Tobin let out a shaky breath while she paused.

“She would go hard, saying I just needed to be fucked like a real woman so I could become one. I would tell her to stop so many times, but she never did.”

Christen could see the tears glistening on Tobin’s cheeks, she could feel her own running down her face.

“It hurt so much when she did that because I wasn’t ready. I finally left her after she…. She”

Tobin couldn’t even see Christen through the tears she was trying to wipe away. Christen hugged her close when her words stopped.

“You don’t have to go on.”

Tobin shook her head violently, “you need to know.”

She wiped away the fresh tears that had gathered one more time before she continued.

“One night she came home with a surprise, that’s what she called it. She had bought a strap on and I was actually stupid enough to think she bought it for me to use… Ashlyn noticed a couple days later when we went out to dinner and I was walking funny. She had never liked Laura and she dragged me into the bathroom to talk to me, while Ali kept Laura busy. I didn’t want to tell her, and I didn’t, but Ashlyn did invite me to go do a surf trip like we used to before I met Laura.

She didn’t like it when I told her, but she didn’t stop me from going. We never made it to the beach on that trip, it took her a day to get the story out of me, the next we were at the police station.”

Christen was silent for a while after Tobin stopped talking. She knew Ashlyn had been involved and she knew about Tobin going to the police, but she hadn’t known for what exactly.

“Do you think I’m like Laura?”

Christen knew why she asked even though she already knew the answer she would get. Deep inside a little part of her feared she pushed Tobin to far at times. It was none of her business if Tobin didn’t want to tell her about some of the horrible things she had encountered. In the hour she was gone she had asked herself if she had known Tobin wasn’t comfortable tonight. She hadn’t but looking back she could have; the signs were there but she hadn’t picked up on them.

“You’re the farthest thing from Laura.”

Tobin’s voice sounded like someone who had been crying, Christen hated it when she made Tobin sound like that.

Before she could react Tobin sat up and reversed their positions, Christen was now the one being hugged. She couldn’t help but mention the fact that she wasn’t the one who should need comforting right now.

“Shouldn’t I be holding you right now?”

Tobin stroked her hand through Christen’s hair, calming both herself and Christen with one action.

“You look like you’re thinking too much and you look like you’re making yourself feel guilty, am I right?” 

Christen nodded slightly.

“Can you tell me why you didn’t tell me to stop tonight?”

Tobin pulled her in a little tighter before she opened her mouth to speak.

“I’m afraid you will think I’m weird or that you won’t stop at all. It’s frustrating to have to tell you when I know you just want to make me feel good. It’s also just different every time, sometimes I love it when you touch me in certain places, other times I can’t stand it. Sometimes I love it when you talk and call me hot or beautiful and other times I hate it. I don’t want to fill out a questionnaire every time we have sex and I don’t want you to feel like you you’re doing something wrong when I can’t enjoy it.”

“Switch?”

Tobin let out a teary chuckle when she heard Christen’s one-word reply. She let Christen pull her into her arms again, so she was the one being held.

“You comfy?”

Tobin let out another chuckle while she nodded into Christen’s chest.

“Good, because It’s my time to talk.

I don’t find you weird, ever. I also will never force you or refuse you when you ask me to stop, never. I need you to understand that.”

Christen pressed a kiss to the top of Tobin’s head before she continued.

“I know it must be frustrating to feel like you’re filling out a questionnaire every time but is the alternative really better? Is it really better for me to touch you everywhere when you don’t want to? Is it better for me to fuck you against your will? Is it better for me to feel like I can make you orgasm than for me to know the real you?”

This time she knew she was pushing but this time she also knew it was necessary.

She let Tobin push her away and move to the very edge of the bed. Christen knew the only reason why Tobin was still on the bed was because she wasn’t wearing any clothes. She turned the light off and felt Tobin get up and leave the room.

She followed a couple minutes later, she found Tobin in the spare bedroom, throwing tennis balls at the wall. She was crying while she kicked and threw the balls everywhere she could, Christen let her.

It took 15 minutes for Tobin to drop down in a mess of sweat and tears. She took the water bottle Christen offered from her without saying a word.

“I don’t even orgasm when you fuck me.”

The comment was below the belt and Tobin knew it, but she didn’t care right now. She got up and headed to shower, she needed to be away from Christen.

Christen didn’t follow her, she didn’t want to. She had figured as much after tonight, but the comment hurt, it hurt to know that Tobin must have been faking it for a long time. It wasn’t her pride that was hurt, she hated that Tobin felt like she had to fake it to make her happy.

She sat on the floor of the spare bedroom, knees pulled up to her chin listening to the shower running and then turning off.

The sound of glass clattering on the floor and a small yelp shook her from her thoughts. When she opened the door to the bathroom she wasn’t even surprised to see what had happened. Tobin was holding her bloody left hand with her right and the mirror on the wall now lay on the ground in pieces.

Christen grabbed the first aid kit before telling Tobin to go to the kitchen.

“I don’t care if you’re mad right now, I need to treat that cut, go!”

Tobin didn’t argue, she stared at the ground while she walked, still holding her hand. It had felt good in the moment, now it just hurt.

Christen kept herself busy removing the glass and cleaning the cut, before she concluded that stitches weren’t necessary. She got up to go clean up the mess when she felt Tobin’s good hand grab hers.

“It can wait.”

She let Tobin pull her into a hug, “I’m sorry for what I said and for leaving.”

Christen didn’t space on the fact they had both said these words tonight, “I’m sorry for pushing you.”

Christen pulled back from the hug, she hated to see the brown eyes she loved so much be filled with tears.

“I need to tell you why I got angry Chris.”

Christen could only nod, she pulled Tobin to the couch and had her sit down opposite herself, if they were going to do this they needed to look each other in the eye when they spoke.

Tobin struggled with finding the words to her truth, she knew why she did what she did but finding the words to explain it wasn’t easy.

She grabbed onto Christen’s hand again, playing with the gold ring on her middle finger, it somehow always calmed her.

“I hated that you told me exactly what is happening and how I’m ruining everything. The alternative isn’t better but it’s easier to pretend than be vulnerable. I don’t like pretending but it’s easier and I got used to it.”

Christen lifted Tobin’s chin up with her hand when she looked down after she was done speaking.

“I don’t blame you for getting used to it or for wanting things to be easier, but sex is supposed to be vulnerable. I want to share everything with you, not just the good moments or the happy moments. I want you to be able to trust me and I know that takes time, but we need to make a start somewhere.”

Christen wanted to reach out when Tobin looked down again but before she could Tobin spoke again.

“You can still leave.”

It wasn’t more than a whisper but it broke Christen’s heart.

“Is that what scares you? Me leaving when you’re honest with me?”

Tobin shrugged her shoulders, “you wouldn’t be the first.”

“Tobin, look at me.”

It took a while for Tobin to lift her head and let their eyes connect but when she did Christen could only see the vulnerability Tobin was so reluctant to show.

“I can’t promise that we will never break up, but I can promise you that you being open with me about how you feel or what you want won’t be the reason. I will never leave you because you’re honest with me."

Tobin didn’t know how to react to that, so she did the only logical thing. She surged forward and kissed Christen like her life depended on it.

They kissed until their smiles got too big.

“This conversation isn’t over is it?”

Christen smiled at her downcast face. “Definitely not but I think it’s better if we sleep now and talk tomorrow, okay?”

Tobin’s smile returned in an instant and before she knew it Tobin had dragged her to bed and cuddled up to her. 

Tobin managed to utter a sleepy, “I love you,” before she drifted off to sleep.

Christen looked down at her, she couldn’t imagine ever not loving her favorite sleepyhead.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Phew, that was a heavy one. 
> 
> It's such a weird situation to be in but don't be mistaken, it's very common to struggle to communicate about what you want or need and it can be really scary when it's about sex.
> 
> I loved all the comments and messages you sent me, i'm pretty sure i have responded to everyone (if i didn't i'm sorry, it was a lot). Please keep them coming :)
> 
> Don't worry Gayng lovers, new chapter will be up tomorrow, i actually had it planned before this one but inspiration strikes when it wants i guess.
> 
> If you want to ask me a question or just have a chat you can find me on Tumblr, hardtchill.tumblr.com


	4. The truth frees you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tobin goes to meet her baby nephew. Christen comes with her, the time spent with family and her mom pushing her to fit into the future she had envisioned for her daughter causes Tobin to finally snap.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter deal with coming out, no trigger warnings for homophobia and/or transphobia but expect confusion and a lack of understanding. 
> 
> Huge thanks to @Christentobin on Discord for looking this over ❤

Deep breath.

Another.

And another.

Tobin felt as if her feet were bound to the muddy path leading up to her childhood home. The home where her height marks still adorned the kitchen door. The home where her mom was probably making her famous apple pie. The home in which her brand-new baby nephew was waiting for her to finally meet him.

She could feel Christen’s hand in hers, not pulling or pressuring, just there.

Christen silently stood next to her, looking at the comfortable two-story family home. Tobin gave herself a once over, sneakers, skinny jeans, black button up shirt and a beanie, she felt good. It took her three more deep breaths before she concluded that standing there wasn’t going to make her look any more acceptable.

Walking up to the house was as nerve wracking as ever. The door was open, so she walked through it, she dropped Christen’s hand when they walked up the steps. Christen was her best friend as far as her family was concerned. 

“Little Toby, you’re finally here!”

She ignored the less than desirable nickname for the time being and focused on hugging her sister who had come flying at her. Perry was pregnant, she had told her a couple weeks ago. Part of her was incredibly happy for her sisters, another part of her knew that with both of them settling down as was expected of them, the focus would now be on her.

She didn’t pay much attention when Christen and Perry started a conversation about pregnancy hormones and maternity clothes. She was already looking around if she could spot her baby brother. At 21 he now towered over her but that didn’t stop her from messing with him.

“He isn’t here, he went out with dad on a fishing trip, it’s just us girls this weekend.”

The dreaded words.

How she wished she could be on that fishing trip right now.

She soon found something else to occupy her time. There was a baby that needed to be held and kisses that needed to be given. She spent an hour just looking at her little nephew, marveling at how small and perfect he was. She traced his little nose and cheeks, smiling at the little yawn he let out.

“I can’t wait until it’s your turn Toby.”

Tobin didn’t answer or look up when she heard her mom speaking to her. Her mom loved her; their relationship was one that would never break but understanding or acceptance was not something her mom could offer. No matter how many times she had told her mom that she would not be carrying any children, she kept bringing it up. It was one of those topics that never died, her hate for manicures and any men that her mom introduced to her were others. A part of her wished her mom would eventually understand, another part of her didn’t wish to hope.

She had made up her mind about that part of her life years ago. Carrying a child was the most feminine thing a woman could do, at least that’s how she saw it. No part of her ever wished to be pregnant, every fiber of her being protested whenever someone brought it up.

As if he had noticed her wandering mind, her nephew started fussing. She started kissing his little fingers, five on each hand, she was once again amazed at how perfect he was. She had the overwhelming feeling of wanting to go back to this point in her life. When everything was easy, and everyone just marveled at how perfect she was. When no one cared how she looked or what she did.

She didn’t move from her place on the couch, only letting go off her nephew to give Christen a turn to hold him and for Katie to feed him. She was beyond proud to see her sister as a mom for the first time, to see her care so well for the little boy she was already so madly in love with.

She saw her mom’s glances as if to tell her that this was something she would want someday, that she would change her mind. She ignored her mom’s looks when Katie taught her how to change a diaper and when she was the only one who could get the baby to settle for his nap.

She ignored her mom when she pointed out that Heath women made beautiful babies and that it was a woman’s job to have children.

She hated days like these, days on which her mom and sisters would tell her she would become like them soon enough. She felt like one of those men that sat on the benches in a mall waiting for their wives to be done shopping. She hated that she felt left out during a conversation that was about her and how everyone seemed to think they knew her better than she knew herself. She floated in and out of conversations, only answering questions when she was asked something. Her mom didn’t seem to appreciate how she was basically absent from the conversation, she didn’t care.

She let Christen hold her that night, hoping that she would pretend that she couldn’t hear her cry into her pillow.

She managed to stop herself from arguing with her mom the next morning when she was told to change as soon as her mom spotted her jeans. She let her mom talk her into wearing one of Perry’s dresses to church. She got a few seconds alone with Christen when her mom left to get dressed herself. She let go of the breath she felt she had been holding since she woke up when Christen hugged her.

She was so tired of having to hide, she knew Christen was the one God had chosen for her. Many times, she had been close to telling her mom the truth, even before Christen came into the picture. Every time her mom would interrupt or say something that made her chicken out.

Their little moment of privacy was over before either could really take advantage of it.

“Tobin, Christen, come on, we’re going to be late.”

They let out a collective sigh before sharing a quick kiss.

“I love you.”

“I love you, too.”

Tobin pulled at the fabric of the dress all throughout the service. The dress was too tight, the floral print was hideous, and she hated how it made her look like a 50s housewife. Her mom reached over at some point to slap her hands away from the hem of the dress she was trying to pull down.

Tobin was on her way to the car as soon as the service ended, the dress was making her skin crawl, she wanted to get out of it as soon as possible.

“Tobin honey, come over here for a moment.”

She groaned when she heard her mom’s voice calling for her. When she turned around she could see her mom standing next to a young man she didn’t know.

“This is Jeremiah, Jeremiah this is my daughter Tobin.”

She was trying, she was trying so hard to not explode right there on the church lawn. Her mom had promised to stop with the match ups, she had promised to stop introducing possible husbands to her.

“Hi Jeremiah, I’m a professional soccer player, my mom may have forgotten to mention that. Unless you’re willing to move to Portland and have my babies for me, it would be good if you left now.”

She took one look at the stunned face of the guy in front of her and smiled.

“Thought so, bye.”

Something snapped inside of her, something that until now had kept her from lashing out at her mom. Something that had kept her from telling her mom the truth.

She pushed her mom’s hand away when it came to grab onto her arm and turned to look at her.

“I don’t need you to find me a husband, I found myself a wife, her name is Christen, now leave me the fuck alone.”

She could feel the adrenaline course through her body when she stormed off. She didn’t have a specific place in mind, but she wasn’t surprised when she realized where she was heading. The beach had always been her safe space.

As soon as she sat down in the warm sand she felt the adrenaline she had felt a minute ago be replaced by fear and anxiety. She didn’t have time to process what exactly just happened before she was pulled into a crushing hug by the person who dropped down next to her in the sand.

She suddenly couldn’t stop crying.

“Tell me what you need, Tobin.”

“I want it to stop, I just want to be normal, I want it to stop!” She pushed Christen away, she had enough, she just wanted the pain to stop. The realization of what she had said and done just now hit her, her mom would never forgive her for what she did.

She pulled her knees up to her chin and hid her face so she could cry. She could feel Christen pulling her closer to her, so they ended up as entwined as was possible in her current position.

Her sobs slowed down after 20 minutes, she was all cried out.

“Do you want to get out of this dress?”

She looked up and at Christen with a confused face. That’s when she spotted the bulky bag that lay next to Christen in the sand.

“I figured you would want to get out of this dress as soon as you could.”

She smiled through her still teary eyes when she found her favorite hoodie and a pair of soft shorts. She pulled Christen with her behind a few big rocks so she could change. On Sunday the beaches were practically empty this early, everyone was either still at church or just getting home. She made sure to fold the dress as best she could so she could at least give it back to Perry, if she still wanted it back that was.

She breathed a sigh of relief when the dress was gone, and her bare feet were digging into the warm sand. She turned around to give Christen a kiss, a kiss that started out as a quick peck and turned into a passionate kiss that Tobin hoped showed her appreciation and love. 

Christen in turn, pulled her down onto the sand again and went to sit behind her, so Tobin’s back rested against her chest.

“For the record, I’m really proud of you for standing up for yourself.”

Tobin nuzzled as far into Christen’s embrace as she could.

“What if she never wants to see me again?”

She closed her eyes when Christen pulled her arms tighter around her stomach and pressed a kiss to her cheek.

“Your mom has been sitting on the park bench next to the entrance to the beach for 10 minutes, I think it’s safe to say she still wants to talk to you.”

Tobin didn’t look in the direction Christen had indicated, not wanting to let her mom know she had spotted her.

“Do you think I should tell her everything?”

“I think you should tell her what you feel comfortable sharing. There is nothing wrong with you standing up to her Tobin, you’re not a child she can commandeer anymore. You’re an adult who is capable of making her own choices, if she can’t accept those choices, that is her problem.”

Tobin only took a few seconds to turn around and give Christen a deep kiss. She looked over Christen’s shoulder to see her mom still sitting on the bench looking in their direction.

“She is still there,” Tobin didn’t know why she was whispering, it wasn’t as if her mom could hear her from this distance.

Christen didn’t respond with words, she only softly stroked Tobin’s back, waiting for her to make a move. When she did Christen was slightly surprised to see Tobin get up, give her one more kiss and make her way over to her mom in a brisk pace.

If she stopped walking she would turn around, she knew that. She kept walking until she was right next to the park bench.

“Can I sit here?”

(Why was she asking? It’s a public park bench, god she is stupid.)

Nonetheless her mom patted the seat next to her and she dropped down into it.

She didn’t know what to say or where to start, should she apologize? Should she just start explaining?

While she was trying to figure out what to say her mom broke the silence.

“When you were born I saw a future for you, a future in which you would marry a handsome man and have beautiful babies. Is that wrong of me, Tobin? Is it wrong for a mother to want her child to be happy and have a good future?”

She looked down at her lap, was that wrong?

“I’m happy and I have a good future.”

Her mom turned to face her.

“Does she take care of you?”

Tobin looked up and down the beach to where Christen was still sitting in the sand.

“She does more than that, she is the reason why I can face the truth about who I am.”

If Tobin would have looked at her mom she would have seen the question that was clear as day on her mom’s face.

“What is the truth, Tobin?”

Tobin let out a low chuckle, it felt weird to finally after all these years answer this question.

“I’m not your daughter, I’m not your little girl, I have never been the woman you always wished I would become. I have never felt like I belonged in this body you made for me, or that I could ever fill the role on the path you paved for me. I don’t feel like a woman, I feel like Tobin and Tobin doesn’t do childbearing or manicures for that matter. I try to do what feels right for me and not for others, even if I don’t always manage that.”

She felt like a 100-pound rock was lifted off her shoulders when she finally took a breath and tried to peak a glance at her mom’s reaction. Her mom’s face was impossible to read, but she could see she was still processing everything she had just been told.

“Is that why you’re with her? Because you don’t feel like a woman?” 

A part of her knew her mom would be asking this. She had been asked many times if she was gay because she didn’t feel like a woman. For some reason people couldn’t let go of that stereotype, if you weren’t a perfect girly girl you had to be gay. She looked at Christen, perfect and beautiful Christen who of course had managed to find a dog to play with. She was gay but no one ever assumed she was because according to people, she didn’t look it. 

“They are two separate things mom. I’m with Chris because I love her, and if you want to put a label on that it would say that I’m gay. The way I feel about myself has nothing to do with who I love and everything to do with how I feel. Me being gay has nothing to do with the fact I have never felt comfortable in the body I was given.”

She didn’t expect her mom to understand that. In her experience, most people didn’t, how can you explain a feeling when most people never even realize they have had those feelings? How can you understand not feeling like a woman when you never even realized there was another option? 

“When you were younger, people kept telling me how beautiful you were, how I was so lucky to have 3 pretty girls and a handsome young boy. How they were going to grow up to be beautiful young women and a one strapping young man.” 

Tobin shifted in her spot on the bench trying to find a way to keep her gaze on Christen and not on her mom.

“You got 3 out of 4.” 

The silence was deafening when she said those words, she felt tears sting in the corners of her eyes but she refused to let them fall. Before her mom broke the silence she felt her put a hand on her cheek, forcing her to face her mom.

“I got 4 out of 4 perfect children who each found their own way in life. You may have drifted a little farther from the path I thought you would take, but that doesn’t make you any less my child.” 

She didn’t know if she should laugh or cry, it wasn’t the answer she was expecting. 

“It will take time, Tobin. I don’t understand this but i’m willing to listen and try to understand. I want to see my little Toby be free and happy, if that means I won’t be getting a son in law, then so be it.”

The tears that threatened to spill a while back now truly did spill. She let her mom pull her into a hug, just like she always did when she was younger and had scraped her knees.

“Speaking of, do you think I will get a daughter in law anytime soon?” 

She smiled when she leaned back to look at her mom. 

“I love her mom, it’s too soon but I know she will be my wife someday.”

Her mom patted her cheek like she had done countless times before.

“Is it too soon for me to start asking for grandchildren from you two?” 

She knew her mom was joking but she needed to set one thing straight.

“Christen would really love children and she is willing to carry them. We will make you a grandma again some day but the parts you gave me to make that happen were taken out of rotation a long time ago. That is something I'm very sure about.” 

She could see her mom didn’t understand but she seemed to accept it enough to not argue about it. 

They sat in silence, both watching Christen trying to get the dog she found to play fetch with her. 

“She is special, mom.” 

A chuckle left her mom’s mouth when Christen got up to go get the stick she just threw, herself. Her new friend didn’t seem very interested in running after the things.

“Go to her, we can talk more later. Go have fun with your girlfriend.”

It was a moment when Tobin suddenly felt like her heart was about to explode. It shouldn’t mean so much that her mom acknowledged Christen as her girlfriend, but somehow it did. She leaned over to press a kiss to her mom’s cheek before getting up and walking towards Christen.

She didn’t waste time when she finally reached the spot where Christen was sitting down. She dropped down to her knees and kissed her. 

Later, when Christen had introduced her to her new friend, whom she had named Tiger, they watched the sunset together. She let Christen hold her tight, not many words were spoken but the overall feeling of relief and freedom was felt by them both.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love all your comments, they give me life. Please let me know what you think, i love all the comments ❤
> 
> If you have any themes you would like me to explore or just want to chat you're welcome to message me on Tumblr hardtchill.tumblr.com


	5. A new package

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tobin wants to try packing but she has never felt comfortable trying it. Now she is with Christen it feels like a possibility, but that doesn't mean she wants Christen to walk in on her finally opening the box she had been ignoring for days.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And here i thought this was finished lol. This chapter talks about "packing" if that term is new for you here is a brief definition. 
> 
> "Packing is wearing padding or a phallic object in the front of the pants or underwear to give the appearance of having a penis and male bulge."
> 
> Main reason why i wanted to write about this is because there is still a huge taboo surrounding packing. People don't talk about it much and there are quite a lot of stereotypes associated with it. Packing is a good and harmless option, it may work for you or it may not but there is no harm in trying. 
> 
> I want to thank Moonie for reading this though, you're a true meerkat.

The moment she ordered it she felt a mixture of nerves, shame and excitement coursed through her. She couldn’t believe she had gone online to buy a penis, even thinking it made her blush and want to hide under a rock. She had done her research (with a vpn in a private browser when Christen had an away game, obviously). The websites basically all told her the same thing, try it out, you have to try it to know if it works for you. As a teenager she had fooled around with socks, but this was different.

The day her package arrived she was a jittery mess; she had never felt so excited and nervous at the same time. Christen wasn’t home and wouldn’t be until the day after. When she saw the deliveryman walk up the stairs to where she was waiting for him, she couldn’t help but blush. The man obviously had no idea what was in the box, but she did, and she couldn’t help but be ashamed that this guy was bring her a penis. 

She didn’t open the box, she stared at it for 30 minutes before putting it in the hall closet and running out of the apartment. She didn’t have a destination in mind, she just needed to be away from the box and everything it meant. She wasn’t a man and transitioning into a man never sounded appealing, yet still….

With Christen arriving home her chance of opening the box went away. She tried to ignore it, but anytime she walked past the hall closet she had to suppress the urge to take the box and open it. She knew what was in it, she knew how it looked and she had read about how it felt, still she needed to see it. 

It was on one of her rough days that she decided to finally do it. Christen was out with some of her friends, she knew she had time to open it and take a look before Christen got back. Her hands were trembling when she grabbed the box out of the hall closet, for a moment she didn’t know where to go to unpack it. Where do you unpack a penis? She asked herself out loud. She laughed at her own trivial question before moving to the living room couch. 

The box was opened and discarded with shaky hands, soon she sat holding a squishy plastic baggy with what was very clearly a penis inside. Tobin played around with it for a bit, still in the plastic baggy, she was amazed at how realistic it looked. Granted she hadn’t been up close and personal with many penises, but so far as her experience reached, she thought it looked good. 

She took the packer out of the baggy after she took a couple of deep breaths to calm herself down. It felt weird, not unpleasant but weird. She turned it around in her hands, squeezing and playing with it to get used to the feel of it. She was trying to imagine wearing it, trying to imagine if wearing it would make her feel good. 

-

“Tobin?”

Tobin felt all the blood drain from her face at the sight of her girlfriend standing in front of her. She hadn’t even heard Christen come in, her mind being occupied by the packer that was still in her hand. She felt tears well up in her eyes, knowing that Christen would think of her. 

She didn’t look at Christen’s face when she got up and threw the packer behind her on the couch before she fled to their shared bedroom. 

3 years, that’s how long she managed to keep Christen from discovering what a total freak she was. She pressed her face into the first pillow she came across on the bed, it was Christen’s, she could smell her on the pillow. That’s when she started crying for real, she was going to lose Christen just because she couldn’t just be normal. 

She curled up in a ball, hiding her face in the pillow she was still holding onto and pulling the covers over herself. 

She flinched when she felt Christen’s hands on her shoulders, Tobin didn’t understand why she was still there. She felt the bed dip when Christen got in and scooted close to her. Before she knew it, Tobin felt Christen blanketing her in a hug.

“I’m not going to leave you Tobin, you don’t have to talk, but you need to know that I don’t think you’re weird for buying a packer.” 

It was barely whisper, but Christen’s words cut through the silence like a sword. Tobin had so many thoughts and questions, but she couldn’t formulate most of them, except one. 

“How do you know it’s a packer?” 

She had traded the pillow for Christen’s hoodie, but she still refused to look at her girlfriend while she waited for an answer.

“You’re not the only one who has done research Tobin, I have been reading about experiences and some of them mentioned packers.” 

Tobin lifted up her head from Christen’s chest to properly look at her for the first time, she saw green eyes filled with love. 

“You did that for me?” 

She smiled when she felt Chris leave a sweet kiss on her cheek. 

“I want you to be able to talk to me and I want to know how I can help and support you.” 

Tobin let out a deep breath, one she felt like she had been holding since she stormed out of the living room. She stretched out to put her forehead against Christen’s and close her eyes. 

“I don’t deserve you.” 

She felt herself smile when Christen pressed a soft kiss to her lips. 

“You deserve everything my love.” 

-

They were still in bed 30 minutes later, Tobin cuddling close and Christen supplying her with plenty of soft kisses. 

“So, what are we doing about the penis that’s still on the couch?” 

Christen showed her that ‘i don’t have a sense of humor’ smile that she loved. Tobin laughed out loud at the sudden question, it felt good to lightheartedly laugh about it. 

“I don’t want to wear it right now; I will put it away somewhere for when I do.” 

Christen used her hand to try and tame Tobin’s bedhead for her, smiling at all the tangles Tobin always managed to acquire.

“You can always wear it if you want; you don’t have to hide it from me. You don’t have to tell me, but I promise I won’t freak out if you do. If you want me to leave you alone for a bit so you can try it on or wear it that’s okay too. I want you to be comfortable baby, that’s all I want.”

Tobin pulled Christen into another tight hug, making her giggle by pressing a kiss to the top of her nose. 

“You’re everything I need right now.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you all enjoyed reading this. I love reading your comments, especially on this fic because it's a very personal subject for me. 
> 
> Like i said in the opening notes, I wrote this chapter to try and break the taboo around packers. It’s too often seen as a sex toy (nothing wrong with a sex toy, packers just aren’t sexual for many people) or something to be ashamed of. This is not your queue to all suddenly go buy a packer, but maybe this is something you would want to try out. Packers work great for some people and others find that they don’t get anything from it. 
> 
> A popular myth I would also like to debunk is that packers are just for people who want to transition. One of the great advantages of a packer is that you can take it off when you don’t need or want it. Personally, I wear a packer sometimes, but I also go months without wearing it. It helps me, that doesn’t mean it helps everybody but it is an option to explore if you think this is something for you. 
> 
> I will post a website below that has very useful information and if you're looking for a good packer that will last you a long time and is under 20 dollars, i recommend the mr limpy, it's awesome. 
> 
> https://transguysupply.com/
> 
> Anyway, if you want to chat about this or just in general you can find me on Tumblr, hardtchill.tumblr.com


	6. It's not that little

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tobin's been wanting to try out her packer but she hasn't yet. When she does Christen is there to talk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two chapters in two days? Don't question it, that never goes well.
> 
> Thanks to my BamacutiePepégatorsweetie for helping me with this.

She had wrapped her packer in an old binder and hid it in a bottom drawer they never looked into. She didn’t really know who she was hiding from seeing as Christen knew of the existence of the packer, maybe she was hiding it from herself. The implication of it being there for her to grab made her nervous, she didn’t want to want it, but she did. 

If Christen noticed her staring at the drawer from time to time, she didn’t mention it. She had noticed Christen had gotten a bit more affectionate since that day, but other than that nothing had changed. 

The moment she finally took It out was a Thursday night two weeks after she had opened the package. She sat on the floor in front of their dresser and pulled the drawer open while cursing her hands for exposing her nerves. She quickly unwrapped the binder, letting the packer fall into her hands. It was a bit cold, but she knew it would warm up soon enough, she could feel it warm up just by her holding it in her hand. 

-

She had her packing underwear on, the ones Christen had ordered for her because apparently her girlfriend knew what she needed at all times. Christen hadn’t even mentioned them, just that she ordered Tobin some more boxers. They looked like the ones she always wore, just from a different brand. 

It took her a couple days to notice the little flap in front that wasn’t usually there. When she did, she thought Christen had accidentally ordered her the wrong ones. It took a few minutes of fiddling with the flap for her to realize it wasn’t like the usual ones in men’s boxers, it was more of a pouch. When she walked out to the kitchen where Christen was already making their breakfast, she hugged her from behind.

“Thank you for ordering the boxers.” 

Christen had turned around in her arms and given her a small kiss. 

“There are some instructions on how to use them in your nightstand.”

Tobin send her a dopey smile, “why in the nightstand? Didn’t you think I would find that?”

“It’s under the Lego manual that you have never used.” 

Tobin laughed with Christen because yes, she would have never found that on her own. 

“My millennium falcon is perfect.” 

Christen showed of her adorable wink while she patted her cheek, “sure it is baby.” 

-

She smiled thinking back to that little exchange. She had read through the instructions at least 10 times even though it really wasn’t that detailed. Really the only thing you had to do was put the packer inside the pouch and position it right. The packer was incredible soft and pliable so she could bend it in any way she wanted. 

She took a deep breath before standing up with the packer in her left hand. She pulled her joggers far enough down so she could reach the pouch and using her trembling left hand to position the packer. There was a bit of a learning curve to get it right and position it, so it didn’t look like she was sporting a giant boner. 

When she was sure enough that it wouldn’t fall out, she carefully pulled her joggers up to see how it looked. She ran her hand down the small bulge that showed through her joggers and immediately smiled. It felt right somehow, she blushed right after realizing what she just told herself. A penis looked right on her, how could that even be right?

She took a few steps noticing how it didn’t shift or feel unnatural. She couldn’t stop smiling while looking down, the bulge was small, but it was there. She felt elated and confused at the same time, what does this mean? 

She adjusted it a couple times making the packer more obvious and then making it seem like it wasn’t even there. She loved how it felt, it felt right and for now she tried to ignore the little voice in her head panicking about what this all meant. Beforehand she was scared that it wouldn't work, that it would just make her feel stupid. Now though she realized that what she really had been scared off was it working and having to deal with what that meant. 

-

She wore it all day. She didn’t go out, feeling like that was definitely a step she wasn’t ready to take, but she did everything she would normally do at home. She was working on a new design for Re-inc when she heard Christen open the front door and drop her bag in the hall. 

She turned around in her chair, facing the door and bracing for impact. She chuckled when Christen walked straight to her and dropped down in her lap, her predictable but sweet girl. 

“I hate journalists, they are exhausting.” 

Tobin leaned forward to silence her girlfriend with a sweet kiss. She re-positioned Christen so that she was straddling her lap and let her cuddle into her shoulder. 

“I already made dinner, you can relax and unwind from your day with those amateur assholes.” 

Tobin’s hands found their way to Christen’s back, letting one rub soothing circles over her back and the other to play with the curls that had escaped her bun. 

“Am I allowed to mention the extra part of you today?” 

Christen’s voice was soft as she whispered the words in her ear, as if she wanted to keep this moment private even though they were alone in their apparent. Tobin flushed beet red, a part of her knew she was wearing it, but with how natural it felt she hadn’t thought about Christen noticing it. She hid her face in Christen’s shoulder, for once she wasn’t scared that Christen would freak out. It was more embarrassment that kept her from looking at her than anything else.

“I put it on this morning.” 

She mumbled the words into Christen’s neck, her heart beating a million times a minute at the thought of talking about this.

“How does it feel?” 

She appreciated it that Christen didn’t try to make her look at her because this conversation wouldn’t happen that way. 

“Like it’s part of me.”

She couldn’t keep in the sob that wrecked through her body. All day she had been fine, but Christen made it real, she wasn’t just trying anymore, this was real. 

She felt Christen’s arms tighten around her, she didn’t say anything, she didn’t need too. 

\- 

“Can you tell me what you’re feeling?”

They had moved to the couch to get more comfortable; they were sitting across from each other. Both sitting cross-legged, knees touching, and hands clasped. 

“I feel like this what I need but it scares me that I do.” 

Christen smiled down at watching Tobin play with her love ring, it was a nervous habit Tobin didn’t seem to be aware of. 

“Why is it scary to think you need it?” 

“Because of what it means!”

Tobin’s head snapped up expected to see Christen look confused, but she didn’t. She looked like she always did, understanding and full of love. 

“What does it mean Tobin?” 

“That I can’t pretend anymore, I always thought that maybe one day it would go away, and I would be normal!”

She untangled her hand from Christen’s to violently rub away the tears that had started to fall down her cheeks again. 

“I know clichés are not going to change how you feel, but you need to know that I don’t care Tobin. I need you to be Tobin, I don’t need some pretend version of Tobin that fits societies view of what is normal.”

Tobin leaned forward after letting out a deep sigh, she pressed a kiss to Christen’s lips. 

“Would you mind it if I wore it when you’re home? Like, would you mind it if you saw it or of you would feel it if I hug you?” 

Tobin looked down at their joined hands again while she waited for an answer. She was surprised when Christen laid down on the couch and pulled her with her so Tobin was on top of her. 

“I want you, all of you. If this is what makes you feel good, well, then I just got a new little best friend.” 

Tobin leaned down to give Christen another kiss before she showed her a cheeky grin.

“Chris?”

“Yeah?”

“It’s not that little.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you all liked reading the update. I love reading your comments, i haven't responded yet to the previous chapter's but i definitely will. Keep them coming, they give me life.
> 
> I will post a website below that has very useful information and if you're looking for a good packer that will last you a long time and is under 20 dollars, i recommend the mr limpy, it's awesome. This website also sells packing underwear, i personally prefer that over a harness or any homemade solution i came up with (although that's very good for a first try, no need to buy expensive shit if you just want to try it out). Pro tip, if you're getting a cheap packer (like the mr limpy) you don't want to wear it directly on the skin, not for long periods of time anyway. The more expensive packers can be worn like that (and are easy to clean) but that's probably not going to be your first packer. The cheaper packers are great quality, there is a just a bigger chance of you reacting to the material so that's why i would recommend not wearing it on your skin.
> 
> https://transguysupply.com/
> 
> Anyway, if you want to chat about this or just in general you can find me on Tumblr, hardtchill.tumblr.com


End file.
